Just Say Yes

Husband: Hey Babe, I had a hard day at work and I was wondering if we could . . .

Wife: I can’t, I have a headache.

Somewhere along the way in history, a headache became the kryptonite that renders women inoperative and deflates husbands faster than a pin pops a balloon. The irony about the infamous headache excuse is that intimacy is the perfect cure. And if a wife is willing to sacrifice she may be surprised to find there is something significant in it for her too. The late Dr. Marvin Gaye called it, “Sexual Healing.” And there is science to back up his research.

Baby, I’m hot just like an oven
I need some lovin’
And baby, I can’t hold it much longer
It’s getting stronger and stronger

And when I get that feeling
I want sexual healing
Sexual healing, oh baby
Makes me feel so fine

Helps to relieve my mind
Sexual healing baby, is good for me
Sexual healing is something that’s good for me

Sexual Healing Lyrics by Marvin Gaye / David Ritz / Odell Brown

Have you ever heard of oxytocin? It’s also referred to as the bonding, cuddle, life, or love hormone. It’s a hormone that is excreted when a mother has a baby, it makes her feel connected to her child. Mothers generally don’t look at their babies and see them as alien creatures. (Even though infants often look alien.) Something inside of a mother causes her to look beyond blood, mucus, and her own physical exhaustion and immediately begin taking care of someone else. Oxytocin is the super glue that fosters mother-baby bonding. Everything from uterine contractions during labor to helping expel the placenta following labor is influenced by oxytocin. It helps a mom’s milk to let-down and helps close blood vessels after birth.

Through nipple stimulation, exercise, rhythmic movement, prayers, relaxation, warm baths, feeling grateful, loving words, laughter, and humor, moms and midwives have been able to stimulate the body to produce oxytocin during labor to lessen the pain of delivery. Imagine that? All of the above sound very similar to things that take place during foreplay between couples prior to having sex. Could it be that God designed this bonding hormone to wire men to feel one with and care for their wives in the same way that He designed it for moms to care for and connect with their babies?

Baby, I got sick this mornin’
A sea was stormin’ inside of me
Baby, I think I’m capsizin’
The waves are risin’ and risin’

And when I get that feeling
I want sexual healing
Sexual healing is good for me
Makes me feel so fine, it’s such a rush
Helps to relieve the mind, and it’s good for us

Marvin Gaye had a point. Sexual healing helps to relieve the mind and is good for us. Sex is deeply therapeutic both emotionally and physically. It is biblically encouraged and I’m sure many husbands with a headache-prone wife will attest to Mr. Gaye’s noted symptoms of feeling like he was capsizing. The seasickness he described is something the release of oxytocin could thwart. In fact, the only time men release this supernatural super glue is when they climax during the sex. Attention all wives who suffer from frequent “headaches” the fact that the only time your husband releases oxytocin is during sex should be enough to cure you for life if you care about the longevity of your love life.

You can outsource just about every other aspect of being a wife. You can hire someone to clean your home, cook your food, do your husband’s laundry, but the last thing you want is to outsource intimacy. Similar to the way that oxytocin causes a mom to connect with her baby it serves as a bonding agent between a husband and wife. This is not a hormone that you ever want your husband to release with someone else.

Oxytocin evokes feelings of:

• security
• contentment
• love
• trust
• empathy

Oxytocin helps to reduce cortisol. People with high levels of cortisol may experience:

• depression
• headaches
• fatigue
• irritability
• emotional irregularities

Wives, I know it sounds counterintuitive to give yourselves to your husband if you are not feeling well, but could it be that you’re not feeling well because you are withholding good from him that’s really good for you? Is there a lack of security, contentment, love, trust, and empathy in your marriage? You might think that the lack of the aforementioned attributes is the cause of your headaches but maybe it’s the other way around. Of all the things you can get away with not doing for your husband doing “it” should not be one of them.

Do not withhold what is good from those who deserve it;
if it is within your power to give it, do it.
Do not send your neighbor away, saying, “Get back with me tomorrow.
I can give it to you then,”
when what he needs is already in your hand.
Make no plans that could result in injury to your neighbor;
after all, he should be more secure because he lives near you.
Avoid fighting with anyone without good reason,
especially when no one has hurt you; you have nothing to fight about.

Proverbs 3:27-35 The Voice (VOICE)

I implemented the “Just Say Yes” policy years ago when my husband and I were walking through the stress of adoption. We had three biological children and adopted three more. Our younger three were ages one, two, and three. Needless to say, life was hard and my headaches were frequent until my doctor looked at me and said, Mrs. Poplar, “You are a walking heart attack.” I wasn’t breathing properly because I was stuck in fight mode. I was living with the chronic pain of inflammation and the frustration of memory loss. One day while studying scriptures on intimacy I began to see parallels between the structure of a females’ body and the temple. I also noticed that the Bible had much to say about how husbands and wives should give themselves to each other.

Drink water from your own cistern,
flowing water from your own well.
Should your springs be scattered abroad,
streams of water in the streets?
Let them be for yourself alone,
and not for strangers with you.
Let your fountain be blessed,
and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
be intoxicated always in her love.

Proverbs 5:15-19 ESV

 

I could share several scriptures with you that pertain to intimacy between husband and wife, (a different blog for a different day) but I selected this Proverb because it points to things that promote the release of God’s super glue that causes you to be stuck together with your spouse-oxytocin. Rejoice with your wife, let her breasts fill you with delight, and be intoxicated in her love. Things that can hinder the release of oxytocin in women during labor are fear, stress, feeling like they are being watched, tension, distrust, discomfort, and anxiety. These are also things that can hinder a woman in the bedroom. Husbands I just wanted to add that in there because if you want your wife to join the “Just Say Yes” tribe then you must be ready to love her as yourself and per Dr. Marvin Gaye’s orders, tell her that she’s great!”

You’re my medicine, open up and let me in
Darling, you’re so great, I can’t wait for you to operate
You’re my medicine, open up and let me in
Darling, you’re so great, I can’t wait for you to operate

My husband is a great patient. And he’s also very patient. Over our 19 years of being married, I’ve faced various medical issues like recovery after surgery and the loss of libido that can happen during breastfeeding, after having a baby, or after taking a prescription medication. Those highs and lows are normal parts of being beautifully bound. If there is a couple that is reading this and you are facing some intimate issues don’t be afraid to do some research (both biblically and medically), read a book, seek counseling, or have a heartfelt conversation with your spouse or your doctor. It would be a tragedy for you to abandon ship on your relationship the moment you hit choppy waters.

Even during seasons in which physical obstacles hinder physical sex, there are still ways to make love. The mysterious thing about marital intimacy is that it is appropriate during milestones, mistakes, mishaps, and mourning. Sex is sacred and God designed this ritual to help helpmates help and heal each other. Many times when I walked through medical issues and was unaware of what was taking place with my body or libido my husband was the one to figure out what was happening. Through research, prayer, and patience we were able to implement noninvasive natural remedies that resulted in a balance in my body and restored beauty in our marriage bed.

If you would like to build your marriage on a solid foundation, nurture lasting love, and connect with other couples follow our Solid Marriage Support Facebook page today.

Gracie Clark of Graced Lettering Co.

Wisdom from a Widow

 

How many years were you married?

29 years, 1 month, 30 days and 12 hours (10,652 days, 12 hours and 0 minutes)

 

What has hindsight highlighted most to you?

Treasure each and every moment, make a conscious effort to make good memories, celebrate the good, forget and forgive the bad (every day).

 

What wisdom would you like to offer wives?

Treasure the gift God has given you. Don’t exaggerate your husband’s shortcomings and mistakes.  Concentrate on what you fell in love with in the first place. Don’t argue and fight over petty things, life is so short.  Don’t waste time!!! Talk through and work out the hard things, everything can be resolved. Communicate (don’t hold grudges and stop speaking).  Give yourself unselfishly physically, no regrets. Let go of inhibitions and enjoy intimacy to the fullest (forget what you think you look like, he loves it all and forget about the dishes that need to be done, that that doesn’t matter when he’s gone).

 

Marriage is a ministry and every joint supplies . . .

What would you say was your marriage supplied to the Body of Christ?

Dave and I made it a goal to show children what a godly marriage and relationship looked like. We always said we wanted them to know by our example what they could have when they grew up in case they didn’t have that example at home.

The other thing our marriage contributed to the Body is an example of teamwork within marriage. Dave and I were a good team. We loved to work together, learn from each other and appreciated each other’s God-given gifts & talents.

We encouraged others to pursue their dreams and aspirations as much as possible.

 

What has been the hardest thing to adjust to?

After the initial shock of being left a widow so suddenly, the hardest thing has been the littlest things.  Missing his touch, his laughter, his arms around me, our conversations about deep things and silly things, singing together in the car. . . Most of all I miss being able to go to my best friend with my deepest pain, joys, complaints, and tears.

 

What is most apparent to you about your spouse now that they’re gone?

What an amazing person he truly was! What a creative genius he was!  How much he was respected, honored and loved. How much he is missed, not only by his family but by friends and kids he taught and mentored.  How much I need him.

 

If you could change anything about the past what would it be?

I’d lay aside my own “needs” and serve him more. I’d give myself to him more. I’d pay attention to every little detail of our life instead of being overwhelmed by what seemed to be the big stuff.

 

What does being “Beautifully Bound” mean to you?

Marriage is the most unique and profoundly rich of relationships.  In no other relationship do you become “one” with another. It is a love covenant that, if nurtured and treasured can last until your very last breath and beyond.  The love I carry for my husband and the love I know he still holds for me in Heaven is a representation of a beautiful bond that the Lord blessed us with on earth.  I look forward to the day of that Great Reunion!

 

What do you feel like you should have done more of?

As much as we did together, if I could go back I would have MORE fun, adventure, and laughter.  I would make time to be intimate more often! Those are the memories I treasure most now!

 

What do you wish you would have done less?  

Worry.  I wish I would have worried less about money, the future, the kids, ministry and the things that never happened. Worry stole precious time from me and our time together.

To find out more about Jackie’s bittersweet beautiful new beginning subscribe to her blog at therenaissancebelle.com

Photography by Darla Hall

Graced Lettering Co.

Boundaries in Marriage

On December 17, 2018, my husband and I will celebrate 19 years of marriage. It blows me away that we have now been married for longer than we had been alive when we met. As a high school junior and senior we became besties. 25 years later we are still fostering friendship. We’ve made it our tradition to not just celebrate our anniversary, but to celebrate the covenant of marriage.

In honor of our anniversary, we use to host marriage enrichment events called “Covenant Parties.” A Covenant Party was a reception like evening filled with sharing, dancing, dining, communication games, and a vow renewal ceremony. As much as it seemed special when we first began hosting, with each passing year, the word “covenant” sounds more and more antiquated. The more old school it may sound to the masses the more meaningful it becomes to me. Modernization might be great for marketing but often diminishes meanings that we need to be reminded of.

There’s a scripture in Proverbs that says,

“Do not remove the ancient landmark which your fathers have set.” (22:28 NKJV)

This is referring to land markers which were pretty important in biblical times. A stone indicated where your property ended and where your neighbor’s started. Removing a landmark was a way of stealing property. Can you imagine what it would feel like if your neighbor changed your property line? The results could be costly and your rapport with your neighbor would be changed forever. When sacred concepts lose their meaning, I believe the enemy gains ground, and we lose territory.

Take notice of the two signs below.

There is a big difference between private property and a public park. Private property implies that the land belongs to someone, and they have reserved it for their own private use. Public access indicates that the area is open to the public. In marriage, It is just as important for husbands and wives to have clear boundaries as it is for a landowner to have proper signage posted. My husband and I set clear boundaries early on in our relationship and the more words like “covenant” seem to have lost their meaning the more meaningful words like “boundaries” have become to us. Boundaries preserve what is good and protect from what is toxic. Affairs are not intentional, but being intentional about setting healthy boundaries can help safeguard you against an affair.

Early on in our marriage one of our favorite couples asked us an interesting question. They said, “Do you all love each other enough to share if you ever found yourself having feelings for someone else?” That question led to us to do 3 key things if we ever found ourselves feeling chemistry with someone other than our spouse.

• See it

• Say it

• Be set free

When we confess our faults and feelings to our spouse we can expose the enemy and safeguard our marriage against temptation. Below are a few questions you and your spouse can answer to aid you in the process of setting healthy boundaries in the 5 highlighted categories. (Think of preferences, pet peeves, pitfalls, and triggers in the following areas.)

1.  What boundaries would you like to see your spouse have at work?

2. What boundaries would you like to enforce amongst friends?

3. What are some ways to set physical boundaries?

4. What are some necessary emotional boundaries? (Guard your heart.)

5. What are some boundaries to implement with strangers?

This year we will celebrate our covenant by sharing tips, tools, and testimonies that will help you build your marriage on a solid foundation, nurture lasting love and connect with other couples. We hope you find this information useful. If you like it share it with your friends and invite them to connect with us on Facebook

 

Emanuel & Karol Waddell Revisit Their Vows

To Have and To Hold

The characteristic that makes Karol’s husband Emanuel uniquely hers is,”His unwavering devotion to us and his quirky sense of humor.” When Karol is in her husband’s arms, she feels calm and lovingly reassured. 

For Better or For Worse

The Waddells share that if there is an area they could benefit from doing better in their marriage, it would be communication.  “While our ability to effectively communicate our needs and wants to each other has improved considerably over the years, there is always room for improvement.“  When asked about the worst year of their marriage, Karol responds, “I can’t honestly pinpoint a worst year. We’ve had challenging seasons in our marriage that eroded our trust in one another and caused us to question our commitment to the relationship. When faced with the decision of what our next step would be as a couple, we both chose to get real with ourselves and each other about how we got to that place and rededicated ourselves to the relationship. It took a lot of time, patience, determination and honest dialogue to rebuild the lost trust and repair the marriage slowly.”

For Richer or For Poorer

Karol and Emanuel have a marriage that is rich in long-suffering, friendship, understanding, faith, intimacy, and intention. When there is poor communication between the two of them, they become disconnected and distant. “We stop being friends and lovers and become inconvenient roommates.”

Through Sickness and in Health

When asked to share about sickness Karol shares, “Three years ago, I had surgery and was in bed for two months. I appreciate the way my husband always steps up to take care of me and the house when I am out of commission. However, another sickness fueled by poor communication was threatening our marriage during this time, and we ended up having several soul-searching conversations to start healing our marriage as my body healed.”

The Waddells maintain the health of their marriage through remembering that marriage is 100/100, not 50/50. “Maintaining a healthy marriage requires a 100% commitment by both parties. That doesn’t mean that both parties give an A+ effort everyday. It does mean that each person makes an effort; recognizes and appreciates the spouse’s efforts; picks up each other’s slack; apologizes when they come up short, and does better next time. It’s also important that each person practices good self-care. This makes it easier to be at your best for each other.” 

To Love and to Cherish

Before marriage, Karol thought love had defined rules and boundaries. “I now understand that true LOVE is dynamic and infinite. Our LOVE grows and deepens as we grow in our understanding, trust, and appreciation of each other.“

Emanuel cherishes his wife by doing little things like making sure she eats breakfast; bringing home her favorite candy bar, or turning on the heater in the bedroom so it will be warm when she goes to bed. “It’s the simple acts of kindness that remind me that he is invested in our love and that my health, well-being, and comfort are important to him.”

Til Death Do Us Part

When asked how does the thought of death make her appreciate her spouse Karol responds, “I am very fortunate to have a loving husband who gives me his best everyday. When I think about EVERYTHING he does for me and our family and the fact that death will separate us one day, I’m reminded to be more attentive and intentional about making sure he knows how grateful I am for him. And I thank God, that he chose, and continues to choose, me “to have and to hold until death do us part”!”

Something Old Something New

Some old school advice that has greatly impacted Emanuel is, “There is always an opportunity for growth. Growth occurs individually and as a couple.” When asked to share some new school advice Emanuel responded, “There is nothing new under the sun. Simply because something is shiny and glittery does not mean it is new. In many instances only the packaging is different. Marriage is about patience, persistence, more patience, and more persistence. “

Something Borrowed Something Blue

Emanuel’s borrowed advice is a quote by Alexander Pope, “To err is human, to forgive is divine.” His bonus advice for husbands is, “Always start with the man in the mirror” When asked to offer a question to ask his wife Emanuel responded, “Hopefully, there are no questions unasked.” Karol’s question for her husband that she feels all spouses should ask periodically is, ” “Are you happy?” It’s very important to KNOW –not assume– that both are spouses are comfortable and happy in the marriage regardless of what anyone else says or thinks.” When asked if they had the chance to do it all over again would they the Waddells shared that they would, “Be deliberate and intentional about engaging in meaningful conversation and keeping the romance alive on a more consistent basis.”

For the reader: If you have a question, comment, or compliment for The Waddells please feel free to share in the comment section below.

 

Scott & Shelton Oakley Hersey Revisit Their Vows

To Have and to Hold

The quality that Scott has that makes him exclusively hers is his attentiveness. She describes him as having a unique blend of serious and silly.  “Scott is consistently attentive to me and to others, always looking for small ways to serve that most people might never notice.”When Shelton is in Scott’s arms, she feels beloved, home, and seen.

For Better or for Worse

One of the areas that Scott and Shelton feel they can do better in their marriage is through not reacting emotionally to the other’s state of being. “When one of us is sad, frustrated, tired, or insecure, the other can tend to mirror the same emotion. It has been something we honestly weren’t aware of at the start of our marriage and sometimes occasionally only saw it as a strength.” They’ve discovered that there are times in which this tendency is a good thing–when it promotes empathy and sensitivity. “Often times, however, this lack of emotional detachment has kept us from many healthy paths including seeking and speaking truth about who we are in Christ and the promises of God we can rely on.”

When asked about the worst year of their marriage Shelton and Scott respond with “Can we say the worst (or hardest) year and a half?”

As missionaries living in a South African township, The Hersey’s went through a period in which they had to balance full-time ministry, full work schedules, a growing social enterprise business, friends experiencing deep trauma, and their own mental lows. During this same period, they transitioned from South Africa to Boston, all the while facing consistent illness and infertility.

“There was so much to do, so much loss in the massive transitions and struggle with infertility and illness, and each of us had our own journeys of grief and healing to walk through. We had been married for three years at this point, we were exhausted and well past our breaking points and did not understand very well how deep our emotional lows were and how much we were trying to sustain ourselves on our own strength.”

Through consistent tears, moments of irritation and anger, little to no energy, and loneliness they came to understand long-suffering in marriage. They saw the beauty that can come from sticking by one another and trusting God’s promises. They had to mourn the end of one season while embracing the beginning of another. “We needed rest, perseverance, counseling, acceptance of one another, healthy detachment from each others’ emotional ups and downs and the type of healing that only comes over time cloaked in grace.”

For Richer or for Poorer

Shelton & Scott see their marriage as being rich in laughter, long-suffering, friendship, understanding, faith, intimacy, and growth. They enjoy learning from one another and growing personally and together.

When there is poor communication between these two they share, “Our tendency when we poorly communicate or don’t communicate is to make assumptions… Assumptions about what the other is thinking, doing and not thinking or doing that we feel they should be considering… and assumptions about each other’s motivations.”

Through Sickness and in Health

The Hersey’s are far too familiar with sickness. “This past year, we journeyed through the illness and passing of Scott’s father. Watching Scott’s dad struggle and pass from this life to the next was so painful, especially for Scott. Meanwhile, we continued to struggle with infertility and grieve through the process of unsuccessful fertility treatments. Again, the two of us were faced with another wilderness period of grief, each of us expressing it so different than the other. We longed for a lighter season of healing and regeneration. This time, we clung to God, sought joy and gratitude of each other, held a new perspective of the preciousness of life, and gave each other the acceptance, space, support, and grace we both needed to freely grieve and heal. We discovered amidst this wilderness season that regeneration was happening all along.”

The way the Herseys maintain the health of their marriage is through communication. “We try to be aware of our own pain points when they’re triggered so we can speak God’s truth to ourselves and to each other. We create fun moments, romance, memories and conversations through which to connect in new and diverse ways. We rely on community and share openly about our marriage: the struggles, the different seasons, the help we have gratefully received, the love, fondness, respect and admiration we have for one another. We speak well of each other to others, conscious of building each other up and not tearing one another down.

To Love and to Cherish

Shelton’s perception of love has not changed much since before she married, but her understanding of what it means has deepened. “One perspective that has changed is what love in action means. I have had to learn a LOT about what this means for Scott and also for myself. Love for us means:

• Prioritizing time together. 
• Extending an extra measure grace to each other. 
• Acknowledging what Scott says he needs.
• Supporting each other in every season. 
• Celebrating small and big “piles of stones” (or markers of God’s faithfulness.) 
• Laying down our individual life visions for a God’s vision for “us.”
• Embracing a unified vision that is about our journey toward wholeness. 

Scott cherishes his wife through encouraging her. Through his words, small notes, texts, emails and choosing to be present. He supports her in various areas of work and community commitments. He contributes to her gifts and passion. “My favorite is when he out of the blue says to me, “I’m so proud of you, Shelt,” or sends me a text that says, “I love you, and I see you.””

Til Death Do Us Part

When asked how the thought of death makes Shelton appreciate her husband she responds, “It is strange. Even though I only met Scott at age 25, I now cannot imagine living this life journey without him. In fact, looking back, it feels as if he was a small part of me all along. Perhaps this is because God has intricately used Scott to shape me more into my whole and true self. I always tell people that in being married to Scott, I have grown into the person that God created at my very inception; through him, my brokenness has given way to a more centered soul rooted in Christ.”

Something Old Something New

Scott’s old school advice can be found in John 15:13, he quotes,

“Greater love has no one than this: to lay one’s life down for another.”

He goes on to share, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” – Philippians 2:3-4

• Seek the interest of your wife before your own interest
• If your wife wants to connect with you in a way that doesn’t interest you, lay down your interest and choose to connect.
• Enter into conversations and conflict that you don’t think is a big deal or worth a conversation but it’s important to your spouse to engage and grow.
• Listen to understand.
• Buy a less expensive car (or something else) because your together-values are to be frugal and generous with others.
• Put down your work (or turn off the t.v.) and go to bed with your spouse as much as you can (ending the day together is a great rhythm!)
• Conserve energy throughout your day to have the peace and presence to go on a date night or to help serve alongside your wife in daily family routines.

His new school advice is to, “ Be aware when to HALT(!) a conversation. In other words, don’t enter into a serious conversation if either of you are feeling Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired (HALT). Take some space–even if it means going to bed, taking a walk or going about your day while you’re still feeling a few of these things–so you can come back to each other and the conversation in a better, more whole place.”

Something Borrowed Something Blue

Some borrowed advice that has greatly impacted Scott over the years is, “Intentionally discover and seek out the unique ways your wife receives love and keep exploring new ways to speak her love language. Keep in mind that your wife’s love language might (and will) change from season to season in life. Your wife is in the process of constantly changing… So take the time and give energy to continually get to know her, always holding her with sacred curiosity.”

Scott’s bonus advice is to “Have fun together! Seek out fun, adventure, and new experiences, and pursue enjoyment of one another in little and big ways!” He suggests that couples celebrate as often as they can.

The question Scott would like his wife Shelton to answer is, “In what way do you feel you most need to be consistently pointed to God?”

Shelton’s question for her husband Scott is, “What do you dream over and for us?”

When asked if they had the chance to do it all over again would they, Scott replies, “I would have been more consistent about walking with other men through the marriage journey. We have had some very important and intentional voices speaking into our marriage, and some of the most important pieces of vision and health in marriage have been heavily influenced by our mentors and those with an intentional presence in our lives. I would have tried harder to be more consistent about these connections in difficult seasons as well as find new mentors from whom to receive encouragement.”

Shelton’s response to doing it over was, “Earlier on, I would have lowered my super-high and unrealistic expectations of Scott and our marriage (an expectation of perfection that I didn’t realize I had until a few years into marriage). I like the hopes I hold for us and that we hold together. I am enjoying the plans we make that are cloaked in God’s grace and vision for our wellness, not in my own expectation. I know I have a long way to go in this area, but I hope we can continue to see our marriage even more through the eyes of God’s delight in us so that all we do and say to one another might derive from a place of inspiration, not expectation.” 

For the reader: If you would like to ask this couple a question or offer a word of encouragement, please do so in the comment section below?

Steve & Rita Smith Revisit Their Vows

 

To Have

The characteristic that Rita says her husband Steve has that makes him uniquely hers is his God-given purpose.

 

To Hold

When she is in his arms, she feels intimacy, security, and possibilities.

 

For Better or Worse

Something that the Smiths both admit they could benefit from doing better in their marriage is listening. The worst year of their marriage was the first year. When asked “Why?” Their collective answer was “growing pains.” 

 

For Richer or Poorer

Mr. & Mrs. Smith consider their marriage rich in intimacy, understanding, laughter, friendship, long-suffering, but most of all faith. When there is poor communication between the Smiths, “We take a time-out… Stop talking, take a break, then resume.”

 Through Sickness and in Health

“In 2013, my husband was diagnosed with cancer, had a staph infection, heart surgery, and diagnosed with ITP.  4 years later, we’re still standing. It has made our marriage stronger.” In February of 2017, Steve had splenectomy surgery and just finished up chemotherapy at the Mayo Clinic. During every hospital stay his wife slept in the bed with him. No matter how uncomfortable or small the hospital bed was Rita’s only place of comfort was found next to her husband. When he had staph, the doctors had to explain to her the dangers of sleeping so close. It was the only time she actually complied with their requests to not sleep in the same bed with her husband. The way they maintain the health of their marriage is to, “Run home every day, and keep dating each other.”

To Love and To Cherish

Rita values her vows now more than ever before. Her husband Steve is her greatest cheerleader. “He models godly character, teaches me, and pushes me.”

 

Til Death Do Us Part

When asked about how death makes her appreciate her spouse Rita responds, “If you’ve seen the movie the “Notebook,” that’s our desire. That we go together and never experience separation.”

Something Old Something New

When asked to share some old school advice Steve replies, “Start out like you can hold up.” His new school advice is, “Invest in your marriage.” 

Something Borrowed Something Blue (something extra for fun)

Steve’s borrowed advice for husbands is, “Success is nothing unless you have someone to share it with.” When asked to share some bonus advice, Steve, who is a Pastor practically preaches a sermon, a pretty powerful one that all husbands should adhere to.

“I would like to encourage all husbands to make a decision to have the type of marriage that typifies the love that Christ has for the Church. Marriage is the ONLY earthly example we have to show others, how much Christ loves the church.

Always remember that she is the weaker vessel, (things that affect her may not bother you, she is more emotional) therefore dwell with her “according to knowledge” –that your prayers be not hindered. Remember husbands, you are the “Pitcher,” and she is the “Catcher.” Be mindful of what you’re throwing at her. If you don’t like what she’s offering you, investigate what you’re giving to her, she is usually just returning what you gave to her.

Honor your vows and be true to God, be true to your spouse, be true to yourself, “Drink water from your own cistern,” have no need for “spoil” outside of your marital union. I’m honored, thankful, and grateful, to know that in 29 years of marriage to my wife, that she is the only woman I’ve known intimately since I walked down the aisle, and said, “I do.” I settled in my mind, a long time ago, that I never ever want to cause her pain! 

 

Steve’s question for his wife is “What makes you stay in love and remain committed to me?” Rita’s question for Steve is, “Is it still good to you?”  Steve and Rita are very much in love and not lacking at all in the romance department. Their shared advice for couples is to never stop dating, and plan at least one night out of the week for just the two of you, and make that your date night. If they had the chance to do it all over again the one thing they would do differently is, “Start it all one day earlier.”

For the reader: If you have something you would like to share, or a question you would like to ask the Smiths please do so in the comment section below.

 

 

Nathan & Stephanie Faught Revisit Their Vows

To Have

The trait that Stephanie feels makes Nathan uniquely hers is that he is a “Super Dad.” She explains, “I have never met another man that delights in his children and wife like my man. There is no place he would rather be than with us, and knowing someone desires to be with you that much is one of life’s most incredible feelings.”

To Hold

When Stephanie is in Nathan’s arms, she feels calm, connected and accepted.

For Better or For Worse

The Faughts feel like an area they could do better in their marriage is, “Coming to the Lord TOGETHER more often.” When asked about the worst year of their marriage the Faughts responded, “We don’t feel like there was the worst year, but our hardest years were the years were following the birth of our first and third son. They both were very sick and cried all the time! We were often sleep deprived and running low on energy, so it was hard to give of ourselves to one another fully. Even so, the Lord was always faithful to guard our marriage and keep us close.”

For Richer or For Poorer

Nathan and Stephanie have found their marriage to be rich in laughter, long-suffering, friendship, understanding, faith, intimacy, consistency, and gratitude. When there is poor communication in the Faught household “Lots of inaccurate assumptions are made, and we are often left feeling disconnected.” 

Through Sickness and in Health

The Faughts have fought through great trials with sickness. “Our third son had a digestive disorder that made him very ill and extremely unhappy. He cried MOST of the time and was in constant pain. We desperately asked the Lord to heal him and end our suffering. His healing did not come immediately, but the Lord was WITH US! Each day was a challenge. There were days I was so exhausted, I didn’t know how I would have the energy to care for the baby and our other children. Nate would get home from work and quickly jump into action while I escaped to the shower. That year, Nate saw me at my worst, and yet he loved me the most! Such a trying time could have torn us apart, but instead, the Lord used it to strengthen my level of trust in Nate and to show us how to better care for ourselves and our marriage.” 

The Faughts maintain the health of their marriage by creating a routine and maintaining an early bedtime. “Once our boys are in bed, we guard our time, so we can consistently connect. Don’t underestimate the power of an at-home date!”  

To Love and to Cherish

Stephanie shares how her perception of marriage has changed over the years, “I used to think that marriage was all about us–our dreams, our love for one another, our happily ever after. Now, I realize how marriage is all about God’s Kingdom- His purposes, HIs love, His plans, His molding us through the many moments of marriage.”

Nathan cherishes his wife by listening to her. He loves her where she is. He tells her how much he values her. He challenges himself for her benefit. He trusts God, even when it’s hard. He never makes her feel weak, and he expresses his gratitude often.

 

Til Death Do Us Part

When asked to share how death makes her appreciate her husband Stephanie replies, “I can’t imagine doing life without him. He makes me a better woman. I’m extremely passionate, too easily anxious, and a bit of an overachiever. His nature is steady and calm, so he balances me out.”

Something Old Something New

Nathan’s old school advice to husbands is, “Never speak poorly of your wife.” His new school advice is to “Always tell your wife how beautiful, irreplaceable, and valuable she is to you and how you could not do life without her.”

Something Borrowed Something Blue

His borrowed advice is to “Love your wife through all the different seasons of life.” He adds, “Find activities you can do with your wife that you both enjoy.” The question that he would like for his wife to answer is, “What could I do on a daily basis that would encourage you?” Stephanie’s question that she would like her husband to answer is “What is your favorite thing about our marriage?”

         

If the Faughts had the chance to do it all over again, Stephanie says, “I would feel more secure in my husband’s love. I spent the early years of our marriage concerned that if he saw my weaknesses, he could not love me the same. I WAS WRONG! Oh, how he has loved me through my good, and my bad and seeing it has only increased our love!” Nathan says, he would have learned to consider what his wife needed more in the early years of their marriage.

 

For the reader: If you have any questions or encouragement for the Faughts feel free to share in the comment section below.

 

Marcus & Teisha Friend Revisit Their Vows

To Have

Teisha says the thing about Marcus that makes him uniquely hers is his amazing sense of humor.

To Hold

When asked to use 3 words that describe what she feels when she is in her husband’s with a smile she replies, “Heat melting ice.” She goes on to say, “We are one.”

For Better or for Worse

The Friends share that the two areas they feel like they would like to do better in are communicating and praying. Teisha says the worst year of their marriage was, “The 2nd year because it was the most challenging to compromise and learn how to submit ” my will” to “our will.”” Marcus adds, “It was during the second year that realities and sacrifice surfaced.”

For Richer or for Poorer

Marcus and Teisha share that their marriage is rich in faith, unity, long-suffering, friendship, intimacy, laughter, but most of all support. When there is poor communication in the Friend household chaos happens.

In Sickness and in Health

Sickness and setbacks have a way of strengthening couples. Teisha shares, “I recall trying to get pregnant and being impatient with God’s will. Marcus had to constantly remind me of God being faithful to His Word and not needing my help to fulfill His promises.” Marcus shares, “I recall Teisha losing sight in her eye. It required me to step up and do more to contribute to home and the family because Teisha was hospitalized.” In both scenarios, the Friends grew stronger and closer to God and each other as a result of the trials they faced.

Marcus & Teisha maintain the health of their relationship through prayer and trusting God’s way of doing things. They believe it’s important to “Take time away from EVERYTHING else and spend time alone with each other.

To Love and to Cherish

Before marriage Mrs. Friend shares, “Love was simply a feeling. But now love is more than a feeling, it’s an action.” Mr. Friend shares that “Love was more emotional, but through marriage, I’ve learned that love is demonstrated by sacrifice.” Marcus builds up his wife by praying for her and encouraging her daily. Teisha shares, “He is forever speaking God’s Word to lift me up.” Marcus says, “My wife builds me up by constantly reminding me that we’re in this together and lets me know I’m not alone and by being a great support.”

Til Death Do Us Part

When asked to share thoughts on death Teisha shares, “Death allows me to appreciate Marcus and his contributions to our family. It reminds me of how valuable and vital he is to our family.” Marcus shares that the thought of death makes him appreciate how his wife contributes to the health and well being of both their family and marriage.

Something Old Something New

Mr. Friend’s old school advice is, “Always treat others the way you want to be treated.” He went on to express that everything starts with dignity and respect. His new school advice to husbands is “No matter how things change, the one constant has to be your relationship with God.” A marriage quote that has impacted Marcus the strongest is, “If you can think of any reason you would divorce your spouse, you don’t need to get married!” His additional advice to husbands is “Whatever you need to do to keep your marriage spicy, do it!”

A question that Marcus would like for his wife to answer is, “What is it about me that you would most like to change?” A question that Teisha would like for her husband to answer is, “What is the one trait that you believe to be the most valuable?” Looking back, if there were one thing the Friends would change is, “Keeping a distance between us and the people who didn’t and don’t support us.”

For the reader of this blog post: We welcome any questions or words of encouragement you may have for this couple. Feel free to post in the comment section below.

Ken & Kenya Epps Revisit Their Vows

To Have

Kenya describes her husband Ken as, “Selfless– I love the fact that he puts us (family)  first. He will change plans/drop everything for us. Ken supports me in whatever I do. He is my biggest cheerleader. Even when I tell him he doesn’t have to go or be there with me, he says, “I know I don’t have to go, but I want to go because I love spending any and every moment with you I can.””

For this couple “Family over everything” is a true statement, not just a hashtag.

To Hold

When Kenya is in her husband Ken’s arms she feels safe, overflowing with love, and invincible.

For Better or For Worst

One area that the Epps feel they can do better in is communication. They admit that they have improved drastically over the years but wouldn’t mind continuing to hone their communication skills. When asked about the worst year of their marriage Mrs. Epps states, “I wouldn’t say the worst but the most challenging year was our first year. The transition from 10 years of being a single, strong independent woman/Momma to having to share my funds and my child with my husband.” Her oldest son Cam was trying to figure out where he fit into his mom’s life and why did he have to share her with her new husband. “I was still acting as though I was single at times and doing things on my own and not trusting that my husband would do it.”

For Richer or For Poorer

 

The Epps consider their marriage rich in laughter. This was very important to Kenya because she likes to joke and have fun. Her husband Ken passed with flying colors; they laugh constantly.

Their marriage is also rich in friendship. “Ken is my Best Friend! And everyone knows you can’t stay mad at your bestie for long.” Being angry with Ken is not an option for Kenya, she explains, “I share everything with him just like I would with my best girlfriend.” 

Trust and faith are two other areas that the Epps are rich in, “To walk together in faith with your spouse is so refreshing. By putting God first in all things, and then you add two God-fearing lovers—We run the world… INVINCIBLE!!! We run it!”

When there is poor communication among the Epps, “Assumptions are made, and silence takes over.” When that happens Kenya says, “The enemy takes over my mind and I start entertaining stuff I shouldn’t even entertain. Early on in our marriage, I thought not arguing was ok because at least we were not fussing and screaming. I later learned that men and women communicate differently. So now instead of making assumptions about what the other one is thinking we sit down and discuss it so we don’t let things don’t snowball and get out of control. There is much more peace in our relationship when we communicate effectively.”

Through Sickness and In Health

“About four years ago my mom had brain surgery. During that time I was with my mom daily. And Ken understood and instantly jumped in and became super dad. Just when I thought I couldn’t love him more, I saw how he once-again dropped everything to make sure he handled everything in our household so I could take care of my mom’s household. I am so grateful and blessed to have this selfless man as my husband.”

One of the ways Kenya and Ken maintain the health of their marriage is by taking time for each other. Kenya says, “I learned after taking a marriage enrichment class that my spouse comes before my kids, from then on I make an effort to keep our marriage fresh.” Date nights are a must! But Kenya has also realized that she needs time for her self so she can reboot to be her best for everyone. “I am grateful that when I say I need a mommy vacay, he lets me get that time no questions asked. NEWLYWEDS TILL WE DIE!!!”

To Love and to Cherish

Kenya’s thoughts on love before marriage were, “Love was more of an emotion to me. A warm fuzzy feeling. I never felt the desire to want to make another person happy. When I got married, love was about sacrifice, compromise, selflessness. I found myself wanting to give love more than receive. My attitude was they need to do this for me or give this to make sure I am happy/loved.” After meeting Ken everything changed, seeing him smile made her feel excited. She has realized, “Love after marriage is unconditional. No matter what we love each other and put pride aside. Tomorrow is not promised so why waste it being mad about basically nothing. God probably stay mad at me but I still love Him unconditionally, I can do the same for my husband.”  

 The way Ken cherishes his wife is through consistently telling her how proud of her he is. “He always tells me how sexy and beautiful I am. He says he is so blessed to have me as his wife.”

Til Death Do Us Part

In response to how the thought of death makes her appreciate her husband’s life Kenya shares, “I think of all he does for me and the kids.  I appreciate all the little things he does like washing dishes, folding clothes, or noticing how I am stretched thin. All the times and he says, “Bae just chill I got it.” Who will be there to listen to me vent for an hour and then say, “Bae don’t worry about it you know God is gonna take care of it.” My support system, encourager, my rock would be gone.”

Something Old Something New

Ken, who is a coach by profession has practical old school and new school advice for husbands. 

• Lead by example
• Be open to change
• Keep Christ first
• Keep dating your wife

Coach Ken’s question for his wife was, “How can I pray for you?” Kenya’s question for her husband was, “What areas can I improve?” When asked if there were anything you would like to do over again, what would it be? Ken responded, “I wish I understood sacrifice and humility sooner.” Kenya shares, “I wish I would’ve communicated more with him vs. at him in the beginning of our marriage. 

For the reader: Is there a question you would like to ask this couple?

Mike & Karmel Revisit Their Vows

To Have

When asked the question, “What characteristic makes your husband uniquely yours?” Karmel paused then replied, “Hmmmmm… maybe his uncanny ability to tell someone off (including me) in a loving way such that they have no idea they just got told.”

To Hold

When Karmel is in her husband Mike’s arms, she feels loved, protected, and she is able to exhale.

For Better or for Worse

Something the Popes feel like they can do better in their marriage is, “Thinking first of how the other would do or receive something before automatically doing it our own way (without thinking).” Every year of their marriage has been great thus far. However, they did have a few weeks that were pretty intense. Mike’s mom was sick and passed away, while their daughter was in the hospital due to illness. “So much attention was needed in both situations, and we just couldn’t do it, so we had to divide and conquer. It made us each go through hurt and hardship alone, and though we knew the other was there “in spirit,” it was not the same.”  Frustration led to blame and blame led to isolation. “Thank GOD it didn’t last too long as we recognized it and addressed it.”

For Richer and for Poorer

The Popes see their marriage as being rich in teamwork, sacrificial love, faith, understanding, and friendship. When there is poor communication between Mike and Karmel, they’ve noticed that it takes twice as long to accomplish something. 

Through Sickness and in Health

Mike and Karmel are get-it-done types of people, so when sickness takes place, they take care of business first and realize the impact it has on their marriage later.Clearly, having a thriving relationship is of utmost importance to Mr. & Mrs. Pope. Below is a list of some of the things they do to maintain the health of their marriage:

• Praying together each morning and night
• Having a date night nearly once a week.
• Having a lunch date nearly twice a week,
• Hanging out with like-minded married couples
• Hosting monthly workshops and fun nights
• Attending marriage conferences and retreats
• Taking yearly anniversary honeymoon
• Celebrating Valentine’s Day BIG

All because “Our love is worth celebrating!”

To Love and To Cherish

Because the Popes were pretty mature when they married their perception of love is not much different now as married folk as it was when they were single. “We knew that it was more than good looks and feel-good times. We had no idea, though, that our love could get so much stronger over time. We thought we were maxed out in the in-love department!”

The way Mike cherishes his wife is through commending her when she accomplishes something. He thanks her for her efforts as a wife and mother and tells her why it is important to him to protect her. He compliments her, appreciates her cooking, and asks her for advice.

 

Til Death Do Us Part

When asked about how the thought of death makes her appreciate her husband Karmel responds, “My life is so much better with him than it was when I was single(and I didn’t think it could get any better), that I want to create, enjoy, and treasure moments with him. Death gives me the big picture. Half of the things that we get all riled up about aren’t even worth the energy! Oohwee! I often pray that God will give me strength if I ever have to bury my husband.”

 

Something Old Something New

Mr. Popes old-school advice is to always remember, “If the wife ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” You should be so connected with your wife that when something is bothering her, it’s bothering you. When she is not happy, you are not happy. As protector, you should not only be concerned about her physical safety but also her emotional and spiritual safety.”

Mike’s new school advice to husbands is, “Do things to show your wife that you love her. This means you have to know her love language and how to meet her emotional needs.  You may be working a lot of overtime and bringing home a big check, but if she needs quality-time, then that big check means more to you than it does to her. She’d rather have your time than your extra money.”

Something Borrowed Something Blue (Something extra just for fun)

The advice that has most impacted Mike came from one of their pre-marital counseling sessions. “Never let the Honeymoon end!” This is the reason each year this couple takes a week off and goes on another honeymoon. “We also try to live this advice daily, in fact, I’ve been known to say that we haven’t started our marriage yet because we are still on the honeymoon.”

Additional advice from Mike to husbands is, “Even though God has made you the head, he made your wife the neck. It’s been said that God may give you the vision, but he will give your wife the plan for carrying out the vision. Listen to the wisdom of your wife.”

At the time of this interview, Mike did not have a question for his wife, but she certainly had something she wanted to ask him. “What are the things that caused you to fall in love with your wife that make you love her even more now (because I never get enough of hearing it!)?” Upon revisiting whether or not Mike had a question for his wife he replied, “My wife is an open book, any questions I have she answers my questions before I ask them.” When asked if they had the chance to do it all over again what would they do differently, Mike says, “Nothing.” And Karmel, responds, “Not a thang!!!”

For the Reader: What question would you like to ask this couple?

If you would like to connect with these happy honeymooners for a couples fun night or a free marriage workshop find them on Facebook. They have a remarkable marriage ministry called Marriage More Abundantly in which they help married and engaged couples make the most of their happily ever after.

Click the highlighted “Marriage More Abundantly” above to visit their Facebook Page.