To Have and to Hold
Naima describes what traits make her husband uniquely hers, “He’s very old school. He’s part play Mario Brothers on our Nintendo in our PJs Saturday morning, and part hold my hand, so I don’t stumble in my heels while he carries the groceries.” When Naima is in her husband’s Eugene’s arms, she feels affirmed, released, and like she’s melting.
For Better or For Worse
Something the Russells feel like they can do better in their marriage is, “Not thinking the worst of the other person’s actions. Asking for clarity and actually listening to UNDERSTAND and not just waiting for the other person to pause so you can respond.”
The worst year of their marriage was the year after their first child was born. “Priorities shifted, recovery from childbirth, sleep deprivation, just all around new parenthood took its toll. We stopped working on the marriage, and things were said that caused a rift that we are still working hard to heal from.”
For Richer or For Poorer
The Russells state that their marriage is rich in resilience. When there is poor communication between the two of them Naima shares, “We both end up frustrated and confused. The devil thrives in confusion, and it is an opening for strife in our marriage. We end up seeing the other person as our enemy, as someone to compete against, we assume the worst of them.”
Through Sickness and in Health
Mrs. Russell shares about their experience with sickness, “My mother-in-law was diagnosed with sarcoidosis years before I ever met my husband and through faith, prayer and the care of my father-in-law she defied her life expectancy several times over. A short 10 months after we were married she went into the ICU. My husband and I, along with an army of family, and friends stayed by her side around the clock for the next month. We traded shifts, we brought meals to the hospital, we never gave up on her. She made her transition a few days before his birthday. That is a really hard thing to go through in your first year of marriage.
Everyone thinks that the first year of marriage is a never-ending date night, all roses and candlelight dinners, and for some it is, but most will tell you the rose-colored glasses quickly fall off before the thank you notes are in the mail. You have to figure each other out (who are we as a MARRIED couple now), You have to figure yourself out (who am I as a wife/husband), and then you throw the loss of a parent in there? Our marriage had to grow up quickly, and I had to embrace this new person my husband had become. He had this fresh wound –this hole that, as much as I wanted to, I could not fill. Nor was that my job.”
Maintaining the health of their marriage has been their biggest challenge. “We try date nights, but our kids are so young it’s hard to get away, and when we finally do we are tired, with a capital T. Pre-kids, we did a vision for the year, read books, went to conferences. I want to get back to this. It is so important to keep working on us.”
To Love and to Cherish
Naima’s admits that her perception of love before marriage was influenced by one too many romantic comedies. “This is probably pretty cliche, but I expected him to “get me” to just know what I needed to feel loved. Now I try and tell him exactly what I need and hope he remembers,” she laughs before continuing to say, “I am also focusing on the 5 Love Languages. I am learning his love language and realizing that to really touch him I need to speak his language too. He speaks Swahili, and I speak French so emotionally we have a continent between us, so we have to keep working on that bridge daily.”
Eugene cherishes his wife by being tough on her… It’s his way of affirming her. If she doesn’t go after hard opportunities, or he gets frustrated when she gets down on herself. He sees value in what she brings to the table and doesn’t want to see her discouraged. She shares, “Of course being a romantic I initially wanted a softer approach but realizing that’s is his way of showing love is kind of sweet.”
Til Death Do Us Part
When asked about how the thought of death makes her appreciate her husband Naima poses the question, “Who would kill the spiders or clean the kid’s runny noses?”
Something Old Something New
When asked to share some old school advice Eugene encourages husbands to:
- Open doors for your wife.
- Pump her gas.
- If you see her carrying heavy bags, take them from her.
- If she’s coming home after dark, watch (or walk) her out of the car and into the house.
It’s not that she’s incapable of doing these things alone, it’s just important for her to know that you are covering her.
Mr. Russell’s new school advice is If you’ve got kids, hold it down at home so she (if she desires) can get away at least once a week for what I’ll call a “mental health” break. If you don’t have kids, encourage her to do something fun or relaxing on her own (or with her friends) regularly.
Something Borrowed Something Blue
A quote that has strongly impacted their relationship is “Marriage is more than a loving feeling. It’s a daily commitment.” Eugene’s bonus advice is, “If she teases you, learn to laugh at yourself. Sometimes, laughter can be the best pillow talk.”
The question that Eugene would like to ask his wife is, “In what everyday, practical way/ways does your husband make you feel loved?”
Naima would like for her husband to answer the question, “What are some ways I show you respect?”
If the Russels had the chance to do it all over again the thing they would do differently is,
“We would have been more mindful of what we said to one another in the heat of the moment during arguments. Once spoken, hurtful things can’t be taken back.”
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