40 Days Til 40

wordswag_1479572254736I’m turning 40 so why do I feel 14? When I was 14, 40 sounded like 80. Now 40 is fast approaching and I feel both unworthy and un-forty. Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled to see 40! But I feel there is not much difference between the 14 year old me and the almost 40 year old me. I don’t always know who I want to be when I grow up. I struggle with deciding what to wear. I get sidetracked by who is saying or doing what. I don’t always do homework, finish chores or make my bed.

When I was 14 I wanted to be who I’ve become. (Writer, mama, photographer, wife, teacher.) 40 is beckoning me to become a better version of who I am, but to also revisit who I would like to be. There were several inward qualities I wished to possess when I was 14. I wanted to have an internal peace that overflowed into the lives of those around me. I wanted to feel special and make others feel celebrated. I wanted to look in the mirror and not despise what I saw. My big forehead, wide eyes, squishy nose, dark skin and thinning hair.

Have you ever looked at an old photo and remembered exactly what you were thinking/felt at the time it was taken? In the photo on the left I remember feeling too tall, skinny, dark and that my hair was too short. (I was wearing weave way before it was popular.) Little did I know, that would be my height for the rest of my life. Skinny was something I’d later covet, and have to work hard to maintain. My skin color was a gift from God that I would grow to love. Later in life, I would constantly cut my hair to keep it short. My husband has loved every feature I used to loathe since we were teens. A conversation with the 40 year old me would have yielded less tears and suicidal thoughts. Now, those 14 year old insecurities have been replaced by 40 year old inquiries. Do I learn to swim, speak Spanish fluently, have another baby, keep doing photography, or pursue another degree?

40 is a number I never thought would apply to me. When I was young I was convinced I wouldn’t live beyond age 36. My dad died at 36. My mom had a brain aneurysm at 36. 40 is significant because it’s something I didn’t foresee and I want to embrace and celebrate it in a special way. I plan to write every day for 40 days. My hope is to explore different aspects of who I am and who I hope to become. Join me on my journey as I blog my way to 40.

What is the difference between the 14 year old, and the present you?  What are some similarities?

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2 thoughts on “40 Days Til 40

  1. When I was fourteen, I was very depressed over my relationship with my father and I did not have a good relationship with my mother. I had a great relationship with my friends. I had a desire to speak French, live all over the world and I thought that I would settle down by my 40’s.
    In my 40’s, I made peace with my father (after his passing), grew to love and appreciate my mom more than ever and I still have great friendships, but I’ve learned to listen to that still voice inside more than ever. I still want to speak French and travel the world, and I’m settling in to my new marriage and family.
    Things have changed but some things are the same.
    Great post!! I look forward to reading more of your journey

    Like

    1. I’m so sorry to hear about your relationship with your father during your teens. I’m so glad to hear that you made peace with him as an adult. Having peace is important. Your mom is the sweetest. I’m so glad that you all have a great friendship. I’m super thankful for the relationship my mom and I have now that I’m older.

      Great friendships have always been your signature and I’m so thankful to be included in your circle of sisterhood. Thank you so very much for sharing. I’m excited about journeying towards 40. Thanks for joining me for the ride!

      Liked by 1 person

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